Whimsical Conversation

Wish you weren’t confused

Cause I’m not

You didn’t even try

The battle left unfought

Was it not worth the effort?

Prize not so appealing?

Why do I care?

The possibilities rise up to the ceiling

Time still my friend

The timid still my foe

Where did all your conviction go?

Why is it that most of us women are so damned catty? Why are we so often irritated by women who “have everything”? Why is it that when faced by a fellow female with a flawless face, bangin’ body, hot hairstyle, sun-kissed skin, faultless fashion sense, estimable education and a vast vocabulary it’s often cause for any “regular” girl to become poised to attack? And my God if you add fluency in multiple languages and a successful career with a twist of modest integrity, chances are you will have a full-fledged jealous rage brimming right under the surface. (Sometimes not quite under the surface.)

While I can relate to the almost instinct-like negative response, e.g., “wish I would have been born into HER family”, “why didn’t God give me genes like those”, “I bet she’s a stuck-up bleep”, these days I find that I have a very different reaction when first becoming acquainted with such a woman. Instead of “hating”, I admire. I am almost drawn to them in the sense that I want to know their secrets! I want to learn about how they view the world, how they view life. I want to know what is it that helps them to set themselves apart. To put it bluntly, I want to know how I can be like that too. Because who says I cannot be? Moreover, who says you cannot be? Do you not desire to be in great health, have a killer wardrobe and haircut all while perhaps having a high-paying job that you love? Because who ever told you that you cannot, lied.

Wait, stop the presses! You mean no one other than yourself told you those things?

Well quit lying and get a grip, because darling you can have it all.

You may find that it would serve you well to stop “hating” on those women who seem to have all their shit together, and start taking note of just how possible it is for you to achieve every similar goal, and more.

I wish I could just scream this from the rooftops, but for now my blog will have to do: You can do, have, or be anything the girl next to you can do, have, or be. No matter who that girl is, what she is wearing, what man is holding open the door for whatever car she drives. You can have it all. Don’t ever allow anything to lead you to believe different.

It is hard to remember sometimes what life used to be before I was living the healthy lifestyle I have been for the past four months. Believe me, I realize how ridiculous this may sound. Four months is not a substantial amount of time. However when trying to look back I find it almost impossible to remember what kind of mindset I must have had to let things get to the point that they did. I was miserable and every day my thoughts were consumed with general feelings of low self worth. All of that is now so foreign to me it is hard to even wrap my mind around it. I wake up every morning excited to work out, excited for the day. Clothing fits better then what feels like ever before.  The most sensational change I have experienced is the feeling of self confidence and overall control of my life. Before I felt almost as a second-class citizen, someone lacking control and discipline that others seemed to effortlessly possess. I had been told all of my life that I would never be like other girls, God had built me differently. What I have learned since is how much bullshit I was being fed, but primarily was feeding myself. Eating right and exercising has completely changed my life. I owe a great deal to my employer for making it so easy to eat healthy and buy exercise equipment, and I also owe an unexplainable amount to my dear friend Shawna. Shawna was the first woman I had ever become acquainted with that was so damned healthy! Not just in the sense that she had a low BMI and can run fifteen miles, but she has the healthiest perspective on life…more than most women twice her age. She inspired me to believe that I could achieve anything a skinny-minny could, that I could transform my life in respect to health and my body just as easily as the next person. With her becoming a constant source of support, I have been able to begin to do just that. What a person can accomplish just by changing their mindset is utterly amazing. I can’t wait to show everyone, but most especially my daughter and myself, just exactly what it is that I am capable of.

I think my best friend Lauren and I have had one fight, ever. I can count the number of times I have been slightly upset with her on one hand. Before her friendship, I had never realized how plagued I had been with friends that only loved parts of me, friends that were there only for when things were on the up and up. As soon as I made one mistake or life started getting a little rocky, or both, those friends were no where to be found. Conversely I’ve had friends who were there for me when I was down, offering sage wisdom, Bible verses, and a shoulder to cry on when I was learning from my stupid mistakes the hard way, and yet these same friends who were rocks of support would literally sneer and fume with jealousy when things in my life started turning around. A new job, a new car, or taking an amazing vacation would be the end of us! I would start to feel spoiled, undeserving. Those types had preferred words for me: “selfish” and “fake”, or my personal favorite: “bad Christian”.

The one unchanging variable in either equation was that those friends never loved all of me, just parts. Lauren has loved me, and I her, wholly and without falter. When there was distance between us, we understood that the other was going through personal struggle. When I get crazy, she tells me so, but with love in her voice that at the same time says “it is okay.” When she flakes out on me, or I her (but mostly her, haha!), we do not get angry and hastily decide to write the other off. We simply make plans for another day. Because just like in life, our friendship is not a one-shot-or-nothing type of deal. We forgive and look past mistakes, see the good, and just love.

What a concept, right?! Becoming Lauren’s friend has taught me the greatest lesson and hardest lesson to learn about friendship.

It all goes back to my freshly adopted philosophy I have been trying so very hard to consistently implement on a daily basis, which is to choose love and find the positive in every single moment, every single situation.

And I might be on to something, or I may just be incredibly lucky, because Lauren Taylor Wallace is truly the best friend a girl could ever have.

~~~~~~~~

If you’re experiencing similar difficulties I had mentioned with friends, or anyone really, here’s a video that always makes me smile:

I recently took a trip to the city where I was born: Amarillo, Texas. I had the time off from work and relatives hungry for the chance to see my daughter Grace, who had just turned three one week before. I was itching to take a break from the familiar routine and jumped at the chance to free myself from the burden of everyday practicality.

There are few things that I enjoy more than an awesome road trip. I love every little thing about driving for hours and hours with no end in sight. I love the challenge of speeding without getting pulled over. I love Historical Markers scattered along the way, teaching me things about the history of the land I would have never known otherwise, and being able to actually be there and see the things I am learning about. It helps me to feel connected to history; it becomes a living part of my experience. I love uninterrupted time with my thoughts. I love rediscovering incredible songs once forgotten on my iPod. I love finding a poor sap to be my front door and then being able to grin with excitement as they get pulled over because I can slow down and escape. I love cruise control. I even love getting lost!

More than anything else I love the feeling of collapsing into my own bed when I get home. I always come back inspired, more aware of who I am. But the most noticeable change consistently seems to be the appreciation for the little things. The coffee maker that starts exactly at 5:30am every day, the color-coded closet that takes the guess work out of getting dressed, the beautiful flowers right outside my bedroom window that make even cloudy days seem bright and cheery. I love my life here and I am so grateful to live in San Antonio. It comforts me to know I’m not the girl who always wishes she were somewhere else. With that said, I cannot wait to see the world. I know my bed will feel even better with each trip I return from.

I can’t remember the last time in my life I’ve gone so long without keeping up with any kind of social schedule. Just thinking of it as a “social schedule” makes me shudder. But I guess I’ve never thought of it that way…it is funny how time to be quiet can produce a multitude of epiphanies, because for the past six months I have had my fair share of those.

I’ve always been the girl throwing parties, going to parties, and planning my next BIG party. Maybe not the kind of party most of my peers are now accustomed to, but parties nonetheless. Drinking, talking, maybe having a jam session with guitars and lots and lots of picture taking all were ordinary activities for any gathering of mine. I loved it. Loved the preparation, the anticipation, the sense of pride and accomplishment when I heard about how great of a time everyone had, realized how many people showed up and how the cops weren’t called, and how I laughed through most of it all.

What I can see now is that through the process of constantly jam-packing my weekends with party after next, I was missing something. And no, I’m not going to say Jesus. Get out of my blog if you thought I was! ;)

No, I was missing time for myself. All of that energy for one four to five hour night, and usually a huge mess to clean up alone the next morning just wasn’t worth it. I’ve got so little time to start off with in the first place! And it was not just the parties taking so much of my time, it was the time I would fill up with activities and people I did not entirely enjoy, all for the sake of not being alone. Who wants to be alone on a Saturday night, right? That thought used to terrify me! Strange, because now a night left to myself does not scare me in the least.

I never made a conscience decision to change the way things were, moving back in with my parents helped that process begin. However, I’ve been invited to party after party, bar after bar, and I just have not had the desire to go. Family is always good for keeping a girl grounded! I have spent most of my free nights watching movies I never saw but always wanted to, mainly because I was too busy having, or going to, a party. I’ve been painting, writing, and honestly just planning my whole life. I’ve taken trips, been to concerts, and have more trips and concerts coming up in the near future. It really is amazing how much more enjoyable life is if you take the time to learn what it is you exactly enjoy, and then just do it.

Hmm…there’s a catchy slogan in there somewhere.

Hate me if you must, but I love this song. I think it’s fun and sort of empowering… and at the very least a great alternative to whiny songs where girls are the victims, seeking revenge with intense lyrics filled with a lot of…anger. Sure, every type of music has it’s purpose and that specific type of impassioned Alanis Morissette-esq music can serve to be a great outlet. (And like a lot of girls every now and again I love me some “You Oughta Know”!) However, the sheer number of those types of songs totally dominate over the more empowering, positive alternatives. If your boyfriend sucks, if you think/know he has cheated or will cheat on you, screw him! (Not literally, of course!) But quit feeling sorry for yourself, quit reminiscing on what “could have been” and pointing the blame finger, realize you’re FANTASTIC, deserve better, or at the very least deserve to be happy, and move on! Life is too short.

I know a bunch of my girlfriends are rolling their eyes right now, just wishing I would have taken my own advice about a year ago when I was playing the proverbial “woman scorned” roll fairly well, but hello girls the point is that I learned something! And you all helped me to, which I will always appreciate.

Anyway, really love this fun song that offers a different, more positive girl perspective!

I would LOVE it if any of you could list some of your favorite songs that fall under that same category…I think my all-time fav is probably Taylor Swift’s “Picture to Burn.”

About four months ago I made the treacherous move back to my parent’s house. I had been living on my own for 2 years, however after starting my new career I decided to completely change my life…I wanted a clean slate. Starting over was incredibly labor-intensive, and much like a lot of things from my past it was sourly lacking in preparation. On moving day I packed nearly all of my possessions into a gruesome total of forty-nine boxes. And by packed, I mean I hastily and haphazardly tossed random items into random boxes, with absolutely no order or sense. It’s funny because I can see my very organized friend Shawna cry a little bit as she reads this.

These boxes were neatly stacked into a storage unit and have been there ever since, until today that is. Today I sorted through a box short of fifty of those suckers. What torture! I learned me a good lesson today, baby. I actually went to Office Max and bought a label maker just to shake the ever-so-clingy feeling of clutter.

At the end of the day, there was only one bag left over. It was full of smaller miscellaneous items that still need to be sorted. Tedious work gets put off for later, folks. So I put them in what normally is my leopard travel bag, and then placed the bag by my bed. Hours later, as I walked past the bag on my way to brush my teeth, I felt a jolt in my heart. Literally, a jolt. And in the moment I wasn’t able to figure out what about the bag had caught my attention in such an alarmingly unexpected manner. After brushing my teeth, I went back and critically stared at the bag. What in the world…and then it hit me. The sight of my travel bag, packed full and by my bed, is a sight I have not seen a good long while. It’s a sight I’m used to seeing the night before or morning after traveling. I can’t remember the last time I took an overnight trip. Anticlimactic? Sure. But…my heart longs to see new places, new faces…and I haven’t done that in a long time.

And that is changing tomorrow. Look out world!

:)

I have a past with plenty of mistakes, some momentous and some just incredibly stupid. I’ve had my heart first betrayed, then broken, and finally spit on. I’ve given second, third, and fourth chances to people who never deserved the first, and I’ve cried over worthless boys and friends that never really were. But, so has every single other person I’ve ever met. I’m not special in any way; every person on this earth has their own stories of heartache and heartbreak, disappointment and betrayal- and sometimes they’re eerily similar to my own.

In deep contrast to the me who used to be, now I wake up everyday without a second thought to the day before. Because when it really comes down to it, my yesterdays have nothing to do with my present. The only thing that matters today is what I decide to do today, who I decide to be today, where I decide to go today. Deciding to not be enslaved to my past has made my present extraordinary.  

I literally feel like a different person, like my spirit is finally alive and has been given a voice, for the first time in my entire life. Not only that, but I’m not afraid to listen to that voice, to stand up for it. I feel no need to make apologies for what the voice has to say. My relationships, career, finances, and health have never been better and only continue to improve. Everyday I feel so much hope, so much joy. I have never been more confident in myself, my spirit.

The changes for the good in my life all started around the same time, and that was when I read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne in April. I’ve taken some, but not all of that, and just ran with it. I’ve been stumbling quite frequently along the way; however it has been getting easier and easier to pick myself back up after each fall.

To be as to the point as possible, everyday I do my best to choose love over hate, joy over discouragement, hope over anxiety, courage over fear, positive over negative, acceptance over judgment, faith over doubt, despite any and all elements of every different circumstance that would suggest to succumb to the latter emotions.

Sound corny? Too abstract to be of any substance? Romantic notion, however flimsily feasible at best?

Well doubting Thomas, give it a whirl. For one day attempt to, in every circumstance, find the positive. Take fear out of the equation. Most importantly, quit focusing on what you don’t want, what you’re complaining about, what you’re afraid of, and start focusing on the things you do want.

Focus on the possibility.

This is a lot of the Law of Attraction; mixed in with some All You Need is Love, spiced up with a bit of common sense.

 Just…try it. I bet you’ll find that even if there is no slow motion moment at the end of your day with “Chariots of Fire” by Vangelis playing somewhere in the distance, you’ll still discover that the day went much better than a day has gone for you in a long time, and all you did was change the way you were thinking.

I hope your New Years was just as enjoyable as mine, I rang in the New Year with my beautiful little girl and some sparkling cider. It was truly the best New Year’s kiss I’ve ever had. I’m so glad this year is already starting out better than the last.

All the best to you and yours, and here’s to taking control of your life and of course to happiness, health, and wealth.

~LHP

Never thought this guilt would come
With all your actions had done
Logic lead me to believe
I’d never be burdened by regret
Who knew logic could so easily deceive

You had stolen from me
Rejoiced in my misery
Pulled the rug beneath my feat
Knocking the wind right out of me

So I didn’t think twice when he kissed me
Felt no remorse when he would call me
Liked it more when he said he missed me
Can’t believe I fell again so easily

At first it was simple to justify
Would just think back to those nights I cried
Attempts now futile to rationalize
Nonsensical to ever believe the lies
What I have done just isn’t right